I liked my life as it was ten days ago. It wasn’t perfect, but it was mine and I was content with the rhythm and the balance I had helped create. I lived with three people and I loved them so much. They left every morning for work and school and I didn’t see them until much, much later. The fourth person I loved that much lived seven hours away at college and although I missed her, I was happy she was where she belonged. I loved my work: yoga classes and wine classes to teach, yoga workshops and wine dinners to manage, yoga and wine retreats to lead and, lots of travel that, not surprisingly, involved yoga and wine.
Now the four people I love so much are home with me all day and night and they are not quite as easy to love so constantly. The work that filled my days and nights is on hold now along with the paychecks. I miss my time alone in the house with the dog but not as much as I miss my friends, my co-workers and my students.
I miss the structure and routine of having meetings and appointments to juggle and carpools to run. Most of all, I miss the freedom to move through my days and nights without this new constant companion, fear.
I am afraid that someone I love will get sick. I am afraid that we will run out of money. I am frightened that there will not be enough food and medicine for everyone. I am scared for my favorite local restaurants, nail salon, hair salon, and bookstore.
I ache for those who live paycheck to paycheck with no paychecks in sight. I mourn our lack of freedom to explore this beautiful world and to connect with one another in the myriad of ways in which we always connected.
I remind myself that these feelings are normal.
I remind myself that there is no right or wrong way to feel.
I remind myself to go to my yoga mat, to go outside, to snuggle my people and my pets, to call a friend, to smile at a stranger, to read a book, to cook a meal, to open a bottle I was saving, to look for something positive.
I remind myself to breathe and to cry and to laugh and to love and to breathe some more.
I remind myself that I am adaptable, that I am strong, that I am held, that this will pass.